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Jokes
May 26, 2004 7:53:21 GMT -5
Post by brutal bob on May 26, 2004 7:53:21 GMT -5
For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our computers were facing away from each other. A few minutes into the class, she got up to leave the room. I reached between our computers and switched the inputs for the keyboards. She came back and started typing and immediately got a distressed look on her Face. She called the teacher over and explained that no matter what she typed, nothing would happen. The teacher tried everything. By this time I was hiding behind my monitor and quaking red-faced. I started to type, "Leave me alone!" They both jumped back, silenced. "What the . . . " the teacher said. I typed, "I saidleave me alone!" The kid got real upset. "I didn't do anything to it, I swear!" It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud. The conversation between them and HAL 2000 went on for an amazing five minutes. Me: "Don't touch me!" Her: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hit your keys that hard." Me: "Who do you think you are anyway?!" Etc. Finally, I couldn't contain myself any longer and fell out of my chair laughing. After they had realized what I had done, they both turned beet red. Funny, I never got more than a C- in that class.
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Customer: "Your sound card is defective and I want a new one." Tech Support: "What seems to be the problem?" Customer: "The balance is backwards. The left channel is coming out Of the right speaker and the right channel is coming out the left. It's defective." Tech Support: "You can solve the problem by moving the left speaker to the right side of the machine and vice versa." Customer: (sputter) (click) Tech Support: (snicker)
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This guy calls in to complain that he gets an "Access Denied" message every time he logs in. It turned out he was typing his user name and password in capital letters. Tech Support: "OK, let's try once more, but use lower case letters." Customer: "Uh, I only have capital letters on my keyboard." A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was "running it under Windows." The woman then responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine."
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Tech Support: "How much free space do you have on your hard drive?" Customer: "Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?"
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Tech Support: "Ok Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager." Customer: "I don't have a 'P'." Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob." Customer: "What do you mean?" Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob." Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"
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Overheard in a computer shop: Customer: "I'd like a mouse mat, please." Salesperson: "Certainly sir, we've got a large variety." Customer: "But will they be compatible with my computer?"
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I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document back to the sender when I was finished with it, because he needed to keep it.
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Customer: "Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?"
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I work for a local ISP. Frequently we receive phone calls that go something like this: Customer: "Hi. Is this the Internet?"
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Some people pay for their on-line services with checks made payable to "The Internet."
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Customer: "So that'll get me connected to the Internet, right?" Tech Support: "Yeah." Customer: "And that's the latest version of the Internet, right?" Tech Support: "Uhh...uh...uh...yeah."
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Tech Support: "All right...now double-click on the File Manager icon." Customer: "That's why I hate this Windows -- because of the icons -- I'm a Protestant, and I don't believe in icons." Tech Support: "Well, that's just an industry term sir. I don't believe it was meant to -- "Customer: "I don't care about any 'Industry Terms'. I don't believe in icons." Tech Support: "Well...why don't you click on the 'little picture' of a file cabinet...is 'little picture' ok?" Customer: [click]
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Customer: "My computer crashed!" Tech Support: "It crashed?" Customer: "Yeah, it won't let me play my game." Tech Support: "All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot." Customer: "No, it didn't crash -- it crashed." Tech Support: "Huh?" Customer: "I crashed my game. That's what I said before. Now it doesn't work." Turned out, the user was playing Lunar Lander and crashed his spaceship. Tech Support: "Click on 'File,' then 'New Game.'" Customer: [pause] "Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?"
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Jokes
May 26, 2004 7:54:45 GMT -5
Post by brutal bob on May 26, 2004 7:54:45 GMT -5
20 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level of Insanity
1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "In."
5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to Espresso.
6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "For sexual favors"
7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."
8. Don't use any punctuation
9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
10. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
11. Specify that your drive-through order is "To go."
12 . Sing along at the opera.
13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
14. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day.
15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
16. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.
17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won!, I won!"
18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "run for your lives, they're loose!!"
19. Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."
And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity.......
20. Send this E-mail to someone to make them smile..Its called therapy...
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Jokes
May 26, 2004 7:55:45 GMT -5
Post by brutal bob on May 26, 2004 7:55:45 GMT -5
Note: Although this is test for men only and all "real men" answer "C" to all of these questions. Women will also benefit by reviewing them so that they get to understand men and thereby enrich their own lives.
1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth.
You decide to:
A. Present it to the President of the United States. B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations. C. Take it apart.
2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?
A. Innocence. B. Idealism. C. Cherry bombs.
3. When is it okay to kiss another male?
A. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions. B. When he is the Pope. (Not on the lips.) C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsman-like way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.
4. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:
A. A cat. B. A dog. C. A dog that eats cats.
5. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy. You're watching a football game; she's reading the papers when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but, she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?
A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it. B. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you can not honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope. C. That you cannot believe the Broncos called a draw play on third and seventeen.
6. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her, sharing the joys and the sorrows the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?
A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner. B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing through her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her. C. Tell her what?
7. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:
A. "Do they need to eat or anything?" B. "They're in school already?" C. "There are three of them?"
8. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?
A. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs. B. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers. C. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody, and we are not naming names, (but of course this would be his wife) is quietly trying to discard his underwear.
9. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?
A. He was being tested. B. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there. C. Like any real man, he refused to ask for directions.
10. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?
A. Democracy. B. Religion. C. Porn via the interent.
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Jokes
May 26, 2004 7:57:14 GMT -5
Post by brutal bob on May 26, 2004 7:57:14 GMT -5
CUSTOMER SERVICE CALL > >This has got to be one of the funniest I've heard of in a long >time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is >a true story from the Word Perfect Help line which was transcribed from a >recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the >Helpdesk employee was fired; >however, he/she is currently suing the Word perfect organization for >"Termination without Cause." >Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support >employee (now I know why they record these conversations)! > > > >"Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?" > > "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect." > > "What sort of trouble?" > >"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away." > >"Went away?" > > "They disappeared." > >"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?" > > "Nothing." > >"Nothing?" > > "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type." > >"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?" > >"How do I tell?" > >"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?" > >"What's a sea-prompt?" > > "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?" > >"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type." > >"Does your monitor have a power indicator?" > >"What's a monitor?" > >"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. >oes it have a little light that tells you when it's on?" > > "I don't know." > >"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the >power cord goes into it. Can you see that?" > >"Yes, I think so." > >"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the >wall." > >"Yes, it is." > >"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there >were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one? > >"No." > >"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other >cable." > >"Okay, here it is." > >"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of >your computer." > >"I can't reach." > > "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?" > >"No." > > "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?" > >"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's >ark." > >"Dark?" > >"Yes, -the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from >the window." > >"Well, turn on the office light then." > >"I can't." > >"No? Why not?" > >"Because there's a power failure." > >"A power... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you >still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?" > >"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet." > >"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just >like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it >from." > >"Really? Is it that bad?" > >"Yes, I'm afraid it is." > >"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?" > >"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."
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Jokes
May 26, 2004 18:44:53 GMT -5
Post by brutal bob on May 26, 2004 18:44:53 GMT -5
I got this from ProBoard's, evidently this is a joke that was sent around via email
Attention ALL Women
Women, learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down ...do you??
Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not considered by us to be opportunities to see if we can find the perfect present . . . . again!
Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.
Ask for what you want. Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
We don't remember dates. . . .Period!!
Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We've been tricked before!!
If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.
You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.
ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what they're saying anyway.)
BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
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Jokes
Jun 16, 2004 0:22:23 GMT -5
Post by Robert on Jun 16, 2004 0:22:23 GMT -5
this is slightly late.... but damn! those are some great jokes.... I loved the WordPerfect one.... haha
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Jokes
Jun 16, 2004 5:26:23 GMT -5
Post by brutal bob on Jun 16, 2004 5:26:23 GMT -5
my opinion is people like that have the right to be killed, there only here to the annoyanc of others
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Jokes
Jun 16, 2004 20:18:39 GMT -5
Post by brutal bob on Jun 16, 2004 20:18:39 GMT -5
these are offensive so use discretion
whats blue and fucks old people?
Hypothermia
Whats better than winning a medAL AT THE SPECIAL OLYMPICS?
not being retarded
how do you kill 200 flies in one swat?
hit an ethiopean in the face with a frypan
whats yellow and green and eats nuts?
ghonnorea
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Jokes
Jun 16, 2004 21:15:30 GMT -5
Post by Robert on Jun 16, 2004 21:15:30 GMT -5
Whats better than winning a medAL AT THE SPECIAL OLYMPICS? not being retarded that was classic man.... haha
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Jokes
Jun 17, 2004 19:32:54 GMT -5
Post by brutal bob on Jun 17, 2004 19:32:54 GMT -5
yeah its a personal favourite
how can you tell a macho women ?
she rolls her own tampons
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Jokes
Jun 18, 2004 14:42:28 GMT -5
Post by Robert on Jun 18, 2004 14:42:28 GMT -5
I didn't get that one.... haha
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Jokes
Jun 20, 2004 3:54:54 GMT -5
Post by brutal bob on Jun 20, 2004 3:54:54 GMT -5
you know like rolling your own smokes but rolling tampons to shove up your vagina in the morning before you go to work or school
whys pubic hair like parsley?
you push it to the side before you start eating
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Jokes
Jun 20, 2004 12:52:28 GMT -5
Post by Mr. Hendrickson™ on Jun 20, 2004 12:52:28 GMT -5
PRI55ON SAINTS LIVE AGAIN
Those are classic jokes. I liked them all!
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Jokes
Jun 20, 2004 22:34:36 GMT -5
Post by brutal bob on Jun 20, 2004 22:34:36 GMT -5
why are women like a K.F.C. quarter pack?
coz once you get past the juicy breasts and tender thighs all your left with is a greasy box and fingers to lick.
why are women like carpet?
lay them properly the first time and you'll never have any trouble afterwards
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Jokes
Jun 23, 2004 2:23:10 GMT -5
Post by Robert on Jun 23, 2004 2:23:10 GMT -5
Listen to this guys
Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."
The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.
The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."
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